Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Salma and Me
The rumors are true. Salma Hayek and I are in love. The Mexican-American actress and I have fallen for each other on the set of her new movie. I couldn’t have predicted it. It was like a dream. Well, in fact it started out as a dream. The kid down my block, Richie, had gone into comedy and met Adam. Adam was known to cast every starlet in Hollywood in his successful movies where he returned to his high school days and created new adventures. I had been told that the raven haired beauty would be on the set, but I wasn’t ready for our chance meeting. I guess you can say I just picked her up. She giggled. Do you want to “do me?” Now, I had been married for a lifetime and it had been a few years since I was single, but it had been years since I was single, but it had been some time since a lady had said “Do me!” And I had a pretty good idea what that meant. Where? When? These were questions which came to mind. I wanted Salma so badly and to have her, I needed to get her off the set. Alas, it wasn’t going to be easy. Salma was needed in Adam’s movie for a long day of shooting. There was a long love scene and now that Salma was my girl and it made me angry to watch her cuddle with Adam. Still, I realized it was the movies. Well, I was a screenwriter---when the mood moved me and I understood the imagery. Finally, Salma was prepared to go home. She kissed me gently on the cheek and said: “I have a surprise for you.” I played dumb even though the rest of my body was playing a different tune. I held her close and breathed her in. She was intoxicating. I was hoping she would add just a little more substance to the mystery. “Wait for me in the shower.” Six little words. However, when these words come from the luscious lips of Salma, they lingered like extended foreplay. I sprinted home as if my time was qualifying for the next Olympic Games. I tore my clothes off and could care less if I damaged them as I did so. Sure enough, when I ducked into the shower, Salma was already there. I reached out to her and squeezed her tightly. I was so excited I could hardly read the small print. “My line is inspired by my grandmother who dedicated her life to keeping women beautiful. My products are designed to help every woman enhance the nuances that define her natural beauty and make my grandmother proud…” Salma So there it was. Salma and I—at long last in the shower---where we belonged. She was going on and on what she could do for women---but right now—she was doing plenty for this man. What? You thought I was in love with the real Salma? Well, it was very real to me!
Posted by Steve Tarde at 6:36 PM