Monday, April 19, 2010

How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?

I wrote last time, between the tears, that when my wife left me after 32 years of marriage, I was visited by Billy Vera and Michael Bolton.

It was Bolton who wouldn't stop singing this song that just drove me to my knees in searing pain.

It is tough when your wife walks out of your life at any time in a marriage, let alone after three decades.

It's worse when she runs straight into the arms of another man.

Michael seemed to know all the words I never wanted to hear.

I could hardly believe it.
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
They said you were leavin
Someone swept your heart away
From the look upon your face I know it's true.

And then the killer lines which crushed me and made me collapse in the shower under the weight of heavy drops and a shattered heart.

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been loving you so long
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
When all that I've been living for is gone.

When I showed Michael a picture of my 14 year old daughter, he ran out of lyrics.

He knew my loss was far greater than one man needed in a lifetime.

Losing the daily contact with my daughter is what threw me over the ledge.

From the day she was born, our miracle baby, had become a reason to sustain a marriage where my wife and I were heading in opposite directions.

I knew in my heart that exposing my little girl to the acrimony of our disintegrating marriage was cruel and unusual punishment, but I feared the punishment heading my way.

I could have taken the exit run from my wife.

I wasn't sure about the loss of my daughter's daily company.

It was the dramatic revenge that caught me from the blindside.

She ran from our home to be with him in his summer home.

And she took my daughter to grind the salt into my wounds.

And she lied about it.

She had never lied to me in 32 years.

We loved each other so damn much that lies never worked in our marriage.

Now, she lied to me as if I was someone on the street.

In fact, that's just what I had become to her.


When I learned where she was and that my daughter was in the very same home, I could hardly breathe.

I was inconsolable.

My son, 15 years older than his sister, with a family of his own, was worried about me.

He asked my sister from whom I was estranged to call me.

As soon as I heard her voice, I let out sobs and shrieks which I had never heard come from my soul.

I had reached the bottom of the bottom and I would remain there for at least another 30 days.

That day, I threw Bolton out of the house and broke all of his records.

I think I broke some of them over his head.

He seemed to understand.

I spoke to an old high school friend who gave me the strength to carry on for at least another day.

She shared with me that divorce is analogous to death.

A grieving period would follow and she would be there for me when I needed her.

And she was,

She knows how I feel about her, but when she reads these words, she will know it even more.

Thank you for being there for me.

Thanks to my son for being the strongest support a man could ever expect.

And my sister and I patched up our ways and promised to never to let differences drive us apart.

And my baby girl, we bonded greater than any father and daughter could hope.

And eventually, over time, I wanted to open my life to the music of the world again.

Maybe not Bolton's music, nut music nevertheless.

I am enjoying life again.

There is so much to enjoy.

I have found a way to live without her,

But it proved to be the greatest challenge of my life.

1 comment:

KleoPatra said...

Michael Bolotin (the Jewish name he was born with) fan here. His song, "Time, Love and Tenderness" got me through some incredibly difficult times. More than one, more than two, to be sure.

"When love puts you through the fire, when love puts you to the test, nothing heals a broken heart like time, love and tenderness."

i took the tenderness from wherever and whenever my true friends and family members were able to provide...